My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
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Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
I unironically love this joke.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.