When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
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Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.