BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
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The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
So inspired right now.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …