My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
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Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
pat pat
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
For cardio I live beyond my means.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.