me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
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Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
Shortcut
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
dogs can find happiness so easily
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
Smells like a challenge to me
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now