People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
You Might Also Like
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
thank god the sign was there
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*