ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
You Might Also Like
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Note to self: I am a note
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.