Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
You Might Also Like
if my sleeping schedule was a person
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
one of
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting