joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
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Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
The Struggle
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
…..pretty much.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.