Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
You Might Also Like
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
At least try to make it slightly believable
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year