You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
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if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//