I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
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I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
Cardio Made Easy
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.