When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
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You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
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My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop