I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
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me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
guys I’m going home
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
…..pretty much.