Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
You Might Also Like
Gods work.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.