I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
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BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
A drum solo but on your face.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.