(before sex)
*sings national anthem
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my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
Tell me you get it…🤣
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.