Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
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The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.