If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
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This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Great Canadian literature.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
lmao
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.