Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
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wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
My dryer is celebrating lint.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!