7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
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im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Tremendous stuff
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime