I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
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FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
AM I BEING GASLIT????
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Start the year as you intend to continue.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?