Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
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*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
They got Raph!
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness