*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
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My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Yes, but it was never about money
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.