Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
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What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
There is wisdom there.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer