Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
You Might Also Like
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
oh you like architecture? name three walls
Saint West, the patron of selfies
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*