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“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
War & Peace
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
Natty or not?
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.