One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
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The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view