In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
You Might Also Like
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.