Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
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I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
Battery falling down a hole
The photographer’s assistant
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home