My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
You Might Also Like
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.