Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
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When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
How about daylight saves us for once
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
i choose….tongue
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.