Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
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There is wisdom there.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
All generalizations are stupid.
Husband of the year 😂
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news