Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
You Might Also Like
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
This guy’s not having it 😆
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]