All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
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My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that