friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
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man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*