If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
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I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Ok but actually
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*