Where’s my employee discount too?
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FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught