Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
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Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
philosophical skeletons be like
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE