Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
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Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
live long and prosper!
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell