[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
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Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them