America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
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[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car