Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
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When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Pretty much. 🤣
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us