Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
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All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄