Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
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“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
operators are standing by to ignore your call
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
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Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.