What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
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My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too