the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
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There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute