*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
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Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War