A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
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My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
Born to be mild.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.