“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
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friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?